Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
