my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
