billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
