Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
