the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
