my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
