Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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