I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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