I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
