I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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