Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
