he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
