I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
