Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
