Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
that is very illegal...i love you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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