dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
