Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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