I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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