i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
