The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
