i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
