Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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