dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
