I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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