I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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