dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
