i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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