Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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