2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
