Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
