If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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