fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
