I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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