the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
