My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
