I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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