i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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