woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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