I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
