i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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