Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
