I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
