He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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