Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
