I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
