Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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