he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
