The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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