Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
