yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
